when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
