And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
