I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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