The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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