We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
