i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
