At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
