frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
