I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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