im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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