From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
