Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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