I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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