dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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