im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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