he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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