just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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