I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
