dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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