So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
