I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize