My liver just broke up with me...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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