If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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