I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
