I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize