I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
