not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm having to shit out rocks
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