the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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