let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
