the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
