you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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