I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
