I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
