Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Found your dick twin last night
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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