Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
