does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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