We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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