Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
