I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
how drunk are you?
Several
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
