I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
