ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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