Your mouth is God's brothel.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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