I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
