Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
