Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
