i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
