the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
