It's Friday. Sex?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
