Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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