Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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