Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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