Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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