Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
