i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
