NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
