And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
