I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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