The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
