How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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