Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
