i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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