the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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