The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
