U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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