I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
