YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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