i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
