her vagina looked like bernie madoff
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
