she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
