I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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